Let The Healing Begin

 

 

Not going to lie, I’ve been called a Pollyanna a few times in my life but it seems that went away a few months after the last inauguration.

 

I have made no secret regarding how I felt about the PREVIOUS President. Maybe I was too vocal as I have lost a few ‘friends’ and have been called really nasty names because I had such strong negative feelings about him. It is not easy when you realize people you loved have equally strong feelings for what you believe is the opposite of what is good, decent & kind.

It is sad and a bit embarrassing to admit that I changed listening to the daily, heck maybe hourly vitriol that spewed freely.

That said, as I am watching the Inauguration of our new President and Vice President, I realized that it must have weighed heavier on my soul than I realized. For the first time in- I cannot tell you how long- I feel a lightness about me that feels familiar.

I know a lot of people (people I was once close to) that have extraordinarily strong feelings of their own- whether it be for or against, and that is okay. I say the same thing to them as I would have hoped they would have said to me- - - let us not talk about politics – agree to disagree. Our friendship goes so far back, we helped us become who we are.  I struggle with what I think is decent and good for others and realizing that not everyone wants what is good for others. I can’t understand how, as a human, we can’t want for others that what others have. I want peace. I want love. I want happiness ( I hear Al Green in my head) for everyone.

Let kindness prevail.

I did not realize what I was missing until today when I felt that lightness again.

I missed the lightness.

I miss who I was before 45. 

Let the healing begin. Bless you all. Thanks for reading my ramblings.

I Used To Work In Radio, Maybe Now I Can Move On

July 6^th

I’ve thought a lot about writing what is on my mind on July 6^th. Just an ordinary day to most people but to me, it’s the day my world crumbled.  I know that sounds kind of dramatic, but to me, it was something that changed who I was and made me open my eyes to a picture that isn’t very pretty.

I used to work in radio.

I used to work in radio.

Those words still are difficult to say. It’s kind of like trying to swallow a pill without water.

It was a dream come true for me. I knew from the time I was 6 years old -  I just knew - radio was for me. I went to school, knowing what I wanted but- at that time, although a degree was a plus, what I needed was a license. I got my radio license. That was so long ago. 

Now you don’t need a radio license.

It took a while to get THE job.

Times were different, I knew what I wanted and I didn’t want to settle. I listened to one station, KEZ 99.9 and that is where I wanted to work. It was a pretty popular station and the hosts of the morning show were the brand of station. It was a fun time. I got to meet so many celebs, I got travel some, and endorse products, to say it was so much fun would be an understatement. You hear people say find a job doing something you love and you’ll never have to work. THAT was this job to me.

I put in my application and I called the program director all the time. I think I probably called him every week. He was a nice guy and after an extended period of time , I got the call. I was so happy. Although it was part time, it was my foot in the door. YES!! I will never forget Dave Windsor,  as he was the one that gave me a chance. I got to work the morning show, initially as a call screener then I worked myself up to producer. Working at this “little nickel and dime” radio show – as Bill Austin, co host of the morning show used to say has taught me much.  I got to work with the best in the business. Best program directors, general managers, sales peeps, marketing peeps and some of the best production and programming people around. For that I am thankful. I got to work with Ron Gerson, Marty Manning, Perry Damone, Nancy Sherwood, Arlene Terry. Big names, huge talent, and nice, nice people. The people in production were awesome too.

I miss that. I miss who I was, or who I thought I was. 

I miss radio.

I know it’s the nature of the biz, but it still hurts. People in radio actually joke about how many times they’ve lost their job. They move to another state, a different market and start over.

It was about a year after Bill passed away.  He used to say he was my buffer.

He was. I loved him and I miss him. He would tease me and embarrass me because he’d remember things I would tell him when he could get away with being a smart ass.  He excelled at that - It was part of his charm. I miss him so much.

I have never, ever been let go from a job, until this day. After nearly 20 years working at the best station in town - - -

July 6, 2011, I lost the best job. 

The official reason was the elimination of my position, but didn’t appear to be the case. And because I signed legal papers, I can’t elaborate.

I will say, it still is a soft spot for me. Nine years later.

I can’t go too deep into what happened, as it serves no purpose, I will say that there are two sides to every story. And for what happened to me, and for what some believe to be the truth are two separate things.  I am still hurt by this, 9 years later. People you think are your friends, aren’t. They hear rumors

then  show different colors. That hurts when people you thought were friends turn out not to really care at all.

So, July 6^th – not a favorite day for me.

My problem is I feel too deeply.

I don’t work in the media, but I am okay.

It’s taken me nine years to get this off my chest. 

Maybe now I can move on.

In What Kind Of Messed Up World Do We Live?

My heart hurts.

Every story.

Every newscast.

Everyday.

Hearing about yet another one of our brothers killed by the hands (or knee) of someone who believes he is more important. In what kind of messed up world do we live?

I read an article about a mother having to have that talk with her black son. Not the birds and bees talk. No, this talk is more difficult. And you probably should start at a younger age.

I can’t remember where I saw and who wrote it, but no parent should have to tell their son that they will be treated differently because he is black.

How can you explain so a young child understands that no matter how kind he is, there will be someone that does not like him because of the color of his skin? How do you prepare your child for that? How do you tell your child that even when he has done nothing wrong, there are some people that will accuse him, and there are some police, even though sworn to protect, that will do him harm?

This is hard to write this because it brings emotions that are not pleasant, and quite frankly hard to process.

That article had one sentence that that really touched my heart and although I cannot remember exactly, it was along the lines of:

When did my black baby boy stop being cute and turn into a threat to you?

My heart!

I have a friend that is raising twin teenage sons. She has an older son and daughter as well, but I worry about her teenage sons.
I cannot imagine the fear and pain going through her mind. Raising teenagers is hard enough, throw into that a world where there are some, usually the loudest most ignorant of the ignorami, that want to see your son dead. 

It is sad.

It is sick.

It is disgusting.

We were all teenagers once. We thought we knew it all. How do you tell your teenager to be careful, not to be a smart ass to people that can take things too far? How do you tell them they can’t really be who they are because someone might take their comments out of context. How do you tell your teenager not to say or do anything that might get them killed?

HOW? 

I cannot imagine having that talk. I do not want to think about having to have that talk. To my friend, I say, I am so sorry we live in a world where there is so much hate. I am so sorry that she must have that conversation. As parents, we always worry about our children’s safety. This is going beyond the -don’t stick your finger in the light socket- or – do not shove the raisin up your nose. This is -be careful my baby boy because there are sick people that will lie and hurt you.

 I hope there is a time someday soon when we will not have to worry so much about their safety. Someday, hopefully, someday.

This really is not meant to be a political post. But I would be remiss if I did not point out that the current administration makes it easy for the haters to be hateful. For the violent to be violent. This administration makes it possible for some people to spew their hate.

There has always been hate towards people that are different, I do not understand why they just cannot get along and love one another.

I want to say that the majority of people are good, kind, and loving. I want to say that it doesn't seem that way because the haters are loud. We have to change that. We need to be the change.

All babies are adorable. Why is it, if you are a black baby boy, you are introduced at a really young age that people will want you dead because you are black.

I cannot comprehend.

Know When To Hold Them-Know When To Fold Them. Knowing When to Keep Your Mouth Shut Isn’t So Easy

Growing up, I can honestly say I wasn’t too into politics. I was taught that the government is crooked, and the politicians are liars. Pretty much that if you looked up liar & cheater (in an Encyclopedia, remember those?) you’d see a picture of whatever Senator represented your state.

I was also told that it doesn’t matter what and HOW you vote, the crooked, lying politicians do as they damn please.

I’m not completely sure that isn’t far from the truth.

It wasn’t until recently that I figured if I wanted to make our world a better place, I should get involved or, at the very least pay attention. Who'da thunk that I'd have an opinion!

I am trying to get my point across and not offend anyone. I am mindful of how people I care about don't appreciate the not so kind words that I associate with a certain- didn’t win the popular vote someone that currently resides in the White House. I have no love for him and quite frankly nothing kind to say.

I tried to find good in him, and I did search, but I can't find any.
Nuthin' - zip - nada!

That aside, as I stated above, knowing when to keep MY mouth shut isn’t so easy. A few days ago, I posted my thoughts on Trump. I was expressing how his administration, all of them, now have the ‘stink’ of what trump smells. Kind of like the phrase we tell our kids when we teach them right from wrong- oh you know –don’t hang around people that have a hard time knowing the difference between right & wrong because even if you did nothing wrong you could be guilty by association.

Oh, jeeez!

I’m getting off track.

While expressing my opinion I unknowingly hurt people that I hold dear. I have friends that like that guy in the White House. Maybe not all of what he says, or all that he does, but they like him nonetheless and possibly even respect him.

Color me clueless.

My intention was to gather, hopefully, some insight on what other’s think about the current news regarding Dr. Ford and Brett Kavanaugh. Instead, I got an earful, well, an eyeful. Friends had no problem putting me in my place. Which, I suppose, is good they feel it appropriate to publicly rip me a new one in support of their guy and what they thought was me name calling them. I get that, they felt attacked. I appreciate knowing when they feel I went too far. I am not a mean person. I may be bitchy at times and damn it, don’t mess with my family or my super bitch mode will kick in- but mean?

Nope.

I can wholeheartedly and unequivocally state that I don't have it in me to be mean. I may have opinions, but I am not mean.

So, I say again: I am truly sorry to my friends that I unintentionally hurt. 

Your words cut me. I started doubting who I am. What I may have become. Am I really that terrible a person that I don't think of others? Is having and expressing an opposing opinion wrong?

Then what bothered me was how can they think so poorly of me?

I'm still beating myself up. Am I that terrible?
People that I thought knew me now think that I suk! I've lost a few FB friends because I speak ill of that guy. That is sad, but, that is their choice. To quote Bonnie Raitt, I can't make you love me.

Life goes on. Even after the glow of orange is gone, I will still think he's a POS.

My friends that think ill of me? I guess they're not really my friends. My friends know my heart.

As far as keeping my opinions to myself – oh, I just don't know how that'll work.
I guess it's easier said than done- we’ll see.

REASON - SEASON - LIFETIME

As I was leaving work I was trying to decide what I wanted to do for dinner. I knew: NO WAY- NO HOW would I be cooking for only me. It’s a Friday night, I wanted to go someplace and enjoy the weather.  I wanted to sit on the patio. But I also knew that I would be sitting by myself, which isn’t such a big deal except when life throws you lemons and you don’t like lemonade – well, I just didn’t really want to think too much.

I decided to go to Pita Jungle. I sat on the patio and I picked a table furthest away from other patrons with the exception of a table where two ladies sat directly in my vision.  I love to people watch and I like to make up stories  in my head that may (but probably not) be their story. While I’m conjuring up a funny scenario about these two ladies I noticed that something was amiss in their conversation. One of them was expressing some strange body language. I figured maybe she had some stomach distress…  lol – I dunno. After a few minutes, she gets up and leaves. Leaving the other lady there alone looking so sad. As I’m trying to act as if I didn’t notice them, my food comes.  The lady asked me what it was that I ordered.  I told her it was the caramelized onion and cauliflower and asked her if she wanted to try it. She actually accepted my offer, picked up a (clean) fork and took a bite. It made me smile. NO ONE EVER TAKES ME UP ON AN OFFER LIKE THAT.  It was probably the first time I smiled today.  She asked me if I would mind if she sat and kept me company. I didn’t mind. She looked so sad and I figured, WTH, I got nuthin’ else to do – besides if I was able to make someone smile then I would have done my good deed for the day.

The more I spoke with her, the more information I got on the story of her and her friend, (I’ll call her #2 for the second lady). It turns out she has been trying to get together with her friend for quite a while. The friend (#2) was making excuses and changing the plans and canceling over and over again until finally, she agreed to meet her at a time that was during the workday. #2 didn’t work but the first lady does. So, she was able to talk her into meeting her a little bit later which would be immediately after work. Lady # 1 was excited to share her news of a new job and other exciting events in her life. # 2, with the weird body language, seemed disinterested and left after only a few minutes. I don’t know for how long she was there before I sat down.

The more she told me, the more interested I became and quite frankly forgot about all that has been heavy on my mind.

She asked me what I thought of people that are supposed to be your friend but never find time to see you. She said she was hurt because this was on her schedule and assumed she’d at least have an hour or two to spend sharing with her friend. She also mentioned it wasn’t the first time she has done this to her and was wondering if there was something wrong with her. She actually asked me if I thought there was something wrong with her. She clearly was struggling. I sat there listening to her and then decided to introduce myself. I then said that I have a knack for being blunt, so because she asked me a question, I feel obligated to inform her that if I was going to tell her what I thought, she should know my name. She smiled and said that she appreciated the candor. 

I proceeded to tell her words that I’ve read before but never put two & two together. I said if people want to be in your life, they will make time to be in your life.  I also said we always look to blame ourselves for the reason why people choose not to place value on us or on a friendship.  We don’t have to be the reason why (well, not always) the reason why a friendship has an expiration date.  I then asked her why she thought it important to spend her time with someone who clearly wanted to be elsewhere? I told her, I believe people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

SOMETHING CLICKED.

We chatted for a while longer then we said goodbye. I was thinking that maybe, as we hear so often EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

 She & I didn’t meet because she needed someone to talk to, no. We met because I needed it.

Small World. No really…It’s A Small World After All

While reading Facebook posts I get a really big kick out of seeing people from my different worlds merge. I see a more than occasional ‘like’ or ‘share’ and even ‘post’ a reply on their respective page.  I say different worlds because I had several different clubs, as it were, for which I was merrily involved. 

Friends from 'da hood. Living downtown WAY before the tunnel was built we had blocks & blocks of kids running and playing ditch'em until the street lights came on. Sandy Holland, Evie Kellett, Susan & Teresa Fox. We lived on the same street, just one or two houses away. Paulette Goodfriend lived one blocked north 2 blocks west. We became friends because our older brothers met first. We're all connected via Facebook.

There was my grade school, Kenilworth. Although not really a ‘club’ it was what seems like another lifetime ago. It was a school. Young kids learning about life, friendships, silly grade school crushes with a little reading, writing & arithmetic thrown in. 

There were friends that we’ve lost through the years, whether it be just life or…just life - and death. The life of grade school friends that have resurfaced because of Facebook seems to be (to me) equally important because they helped shape who we have become.  

Steve Strutton, Bill Moody, Vincent Ala, Linda Stolzke. Grade school chums (really, I have NEVER used the word CHUMS before) that I quite literally have not seen since Kenilworth. Always dear to me, but before Facebook seemed only a memory from my youth.

Stephen Alford, Dino Bazan, Janelle Mull, Loretta Salazar, Tina Manley, Andy Androsuik, Leslie Lynn, Mari Giddings, people that I hadn’t seen since grade school or briefly in high school until we had a luncheon last year. THAT was so fun. Great memories brought back to present time. 

There are my Strumming Amigos. A life that is also another lifetime ago. When I started taking guitar lessons from my second**  guitar teacher.  A man so dear to my heart that thinking of him makes me tear up. Bob Diaz, teacher extraordinaire, Director of the Strumming Amigo’s actually worked  briefly for my dad in the carpet business. Although I am not certain in what capacity or duration of his employment. 

Yep, a small world. 

My  Amigo’s, I mean, my Friends from so many grade, middle & high schools around the valley became another tool in how our lives were forming.

Judy Honig, Leslie Lundquist, Amber Williams, Cheryl Dominguez, Sandra Dominguez, Virginia Martin, Rick Villa, Ruben Johnson, Torsiello's, the Chase's, Debbie Baker, Maureen Finnerty, Debbie/Dillon Powers, Kimmie Mar, Kim Feldman, Kip Adams, Joe Hernandez, Eleanor, the Mattsons, Darlene....OH SO MANY, please forgive me if I forgot your name. It's been so very long! You are part of me always. The Amigo's that came after the originals. Have been connected thanks to FB & Bob Diaz.

My West High friends, some older, some younger but all with the same connection, we are THUNDERBIRDS – ♫♪♪There they go- to conquer the foe…♪♫

This Facebook thang… it’s awesome.  I see my Amigo friends with high school friends that I think to myself, WOW, what a small world, but in this case,  some of my Amigos actually ended up at my high school where my grade school, Amigos and high school friends collide. How fun is that?

I see Ruben Johnson , Kipper Adams, my Amigo’s before we were T-birds liking and posting on younger siblings (Livensparkers from Kenilworth) of my younger sibling Billy. But I forget. They were friends before this FACEBOOK thing became huge, I just didn’t realize this connection is vast.

My Mary Moppet 'club'. Yes, me, the one that refuses to grow (okay I refuse to be an adult) worked at a day care center where I met a lovely girl  Mari Stuart, that shared so many fun days playing with the day care kids and, turns out our connection  was her sister who dated my Strumming Amigo brother, Steve Olea. 

Small world.

My Phoenix College "club"?? Met Mark Carlson and years later reconnected through radio.   Me at KEZ Radio and he as an astute writer for AP.  I came across the name Mark Carlson many times while in the news room and often wondered if he was THE Mark Carlson. Turns out. It was, he is....and to this day he makes me feel important. 

My banking 'club'. Friends that taught me my trucker vocabulary (If I say that as if  am proud- well, I AM!). I led a really sheltered life. I knew nothing about EVERYTHING. Is THAT correct?  Hmmm, Let me try that again.  There is nothing of which I knew anything. Huh?? They taught me much. It’s fun to see them on Facebook. I see and am happily  friends with a man whose mother taught me much about banking and life in general. Marie Jesberger was her name and sadly we lost her a few years ago.  I loved making Marie laugh. She made going to work fun because she was so much fun. Kind, stern & decent and full of beans! When I was pregnant with my first child, she made me a baby blanket and a baby bibb that had the name BARF on it because I was sick the whole pregnancy, and that’s what I name our unborn child because that’s all I did. I still have it. It means the world to me, just like Marie means the world to me. I like to think that she was instrumental in getting me connected with her son because his name would frequently appear as someone I may know on my news feed. So I sent him a friend request.  We actually spoke and he confirmed for me that my feelings about his mom were reciprocated. Made me cry. You never know what kind of effect you may have on people you admire. Jodi Leduc is another friend I met working at the bank and has been a constant reminder of how blessed I am. I can't be THAT terrible of a person if someone as lovely as Jodi KNOWS me and still allows me to be her friend. I wish that kind of friendship for everyone.

Friends that I met through the friends of my kids. To be more specific, their parents (it seems there's a circle of grade school life here). There are people you have connections with, and I don’t mean you’re connected on a social media website, I mean a good, heartfelt connection. They are people we were supposed to meet.

Cousins that I lost contact with. Turns out a few of them have connections with some from my other ‘clubs’. 

Yes, small world.

My ever so fun RADIO 'club'. KEZ Radio. What a life! Best job ever. Met the best people ever. Diane Bonilla, it’s strange how we met and became friends, didn’t really work together but met through our love of radio. And yes, we have quite a few mutual friends. Marty Manning, EVERYONE’S friend. So many connections. Donna Tardy, and her parents who were actually neighbors to a friend that owns a diner(5^th Ave Café, on Thomas, check it out). We didn’t realize our connection until a few weeks ago.

I’m still connected to quite a few people and I am friends with a few of the celebs and LISTENERS I was lucky enough to meet.  Cyndi Suttle, Cathy Greco, Calista Jill. I am a lucky girl. I am friends with the most amazing people! Oh, yeah, Rich-BITE ME- Bauer. I met him through my radio 'club'.

Small world. 

Friends that I met through 'clubs' of my friends. Katie Derksen Tourville was Boberts first friend. They lost touch and she being the true blonde, (heh heh) didn't realize how important she was to him. I am blessed to have found a GREAT friend through my hubby. She also knows quite a few of the people for whom I am already close. 

Small world.

There are, of course, friends that have been a constant reminder that we walk in circles not alone.  (WTH, Yoda not am I.... Something to do talk in circles not - - -WHAT!?!).  I am blessed to have too many friends to mention, although I can mention a few that are on my daily prayer list.... that, of course includes my hubby, Maggie, Anna and Sandy, Vee and Mikey, Diana and Tom, Lona.....y'all didn't know that, huh?! Whilst planning our 40th  HS Reunion it has given me an opportunity to get to know Kelly & John Gerard. If not for our little FB Club, that might not have happened. They are nice, kind people. We have FB, but I hope to stay connected other than virtually. 

As I stated in the first paragraph, I get excited to see people in my ‘clubs’ merge with people from their ‘clubs’ and I wonder how else we may be connected.  What other clubs might we share? I hope they know they are instrumental in making this world a happier place. I hope I can bring as much happiness to others. I hope you know YOU  have brought happiness to my club(s), for that, I thank you!

Yes, A small world. This started out as me being excited that I see my clubs intertwining with other clubs. But it turns out there's so much more to this.

  

Food For Thought and I am certain I won't be able to word it exactly as it is shouting in my head but I hope you understand where I'm coming from.

On Facebook we have friend requests, we can block people for whatever reason(s), we can follow, unfollow, we can post, like, love, laugh and poke. We can be connected to people all over the world. Why can't we just get along in the real world?  If on Facebook we can have so many different clubs, pages, friends that get along happily, why can't we do that in the real world?

Just wondering.

Hey, wanna join my happy club?

**My first guitar teacher was an old, old grouchy man that smelled of campho phenique. Hmm, I don’t remember anything else about him. 

Chief Biscuit Butterer, Creator of Happiness, Sock Sorter? I dunno _ I just want a job!

SO.....sometimes  you win and sometimes you  learn.....and sometimes someone else's life is a reason for you to grow.

Some know (some don't & perhaps some  don't care) that I have had a completely different job change. I was, for most of my adult life, in radio. I knew from the time I was 6 years old THAT was where I was supposed to be. I loved every minute of it. I was happy. So happy! Many changes and many lessons later I found myself working for a surgeon that took a chance on this old radio girl. I have been the office manager, medical assistant, clinical admin support/patient relations and office smart ass for this wonderfully gifted & kind surgeon. I call him boy genius. It is just he & I in the office so, yep, I was employee of the month - every month.

Life happens and a great opportunity for this boy genius is taking him to Newport Beach, California. Although I had an offer to go with him, at this time in my life - it’s not feasible. SO, I find myself searching for my next great adventure.  (And YES that sucks!) I am sad that I will no longer be working for Dr. Michael Demeure as he has become a good friend. I’m excited for what life will bring. Actually, that’s a lie. It’s damn scary and I’d be lying if I said I am not worried. They say they don’t age discriminate but I believe they do. The reason I am sharing this with you is - if you know of anyone searching for a position to fill within their company, I am asking you to please let me know….or let them know. I wear many hats and I am trainable – just like a good puppy – (I hardly ever poop on the carpet )  and although I am not 20ish, I still have quite a few years left in me.