Tuesday, April 30, 2013
My hubby came up stairs and started speaking to me in a tone that scared me. Yep, generally /usually Boberts is just a smart ass…kind hearted, but a smart ass. In fact, we joke that I wish I could find the “off button” on him because he always has a smart ass remark or something silly to say. Boberts always makes me laugh…but I digress…
Bob sits me down and says to me that he knows I feel that not many people care for me, (yeah, I don’t really want to get into THAT right now) but that I should just take a step back and open a package that he received for me.
In my last blog entry I lamented about my youngest daughter moving to ‘frickin’ Colorado’. I was – still am - very sad(wait- I only used one ‘very’, I should've used two - -so, I am VERY, VERY SAD) over this move, I can’t even speak to her because it hurts so much. I received many messages from family, close friends and some not so close friends telling me that it’ll be okay (honestly, I don’t know what they mean by “it’ll”, but hopefully they’re right). I received some texts & phone calls expressing concern, some with empathy and some telling me to get over it –well, ONE telling me to get over it (I realize they -the mean person- is entitled to his opinion- but he could've kept his mouth shut....should've kept his mouth shut- because all he did was piss me off. (You know who you are & it’s no secret because I told you it pissed me off, you, btw don’t even have kids so I have no use for your mean words)….crud- I digress - - A G A I N …
….Through all these incredible kind sentiments from people that actually took the time to let me know how they feel - that they, too, have been through it, the pain lessens and that they are thinking and praying for me. I must admit - now that Boberts has brought it to my attention - I am incredibly blessed to have so very many good people in my life….people – family & friends- that reached out to me & touched my heart. You are so kind! I thank you from the bottom of my butt (it's bigger than my heart).
One friend, I won’t embarrass her by telling you her name, actually bought the DVD FINDING NEMO and had it delivered to me via, my hubby….(this is the package mentioned above)… YOU brought tears to my eyes with your very kind gesture. I won’t mention her name but C…thank you- I thank you & F so much for thinking of me.
That is the most kind thing you could’ve done. Now, I’ll watch it, cry about
mean Ari, and know that someone, a friend actually took the time to make me
feel the love.
I am, I can’t deny it, an incredibly lucky girl to have so many wonderful people in my life!
Thank you!! Thank you!! Thank you!!!
Thursday, April 25, 2013
One of the most difficult things about being a mom isn’t the childbirth, isn’t teething or the fevers from all the shots. Isn’t the terrible two’s (which was NOTHING compared to when they grew a mouth!! lol), isn’t the incessant bickering, taunting & teasing….isn’t the sleepless nights waiting for them to come home after getting their driver’s license- or the dates with the boys/girls – oh no - no - no….
I think the hardest thing creeps up on you - -it comes at you just when you think life has settle into something (you can call) some semblance of normal – well, normal for you. It’s when your child, now an adult, decides they want to move - - out of frickin’ state- - - - to frickin’ Colorado….(not that I am bitter- -lol )
Being a mom (a parent) is a wonderful gift --- being a mom has given me more joy than anything I could have ever hoped for in my entire life. Being a mom has provided me with more joy, more amusement (face it kids are funny), more merriment and so much love that my heart could burst. Being a mom, is by far, the best thing I could ever have hoped for - for MY life. My life = my kids. Boberts and I are fortunate that we were given the opportunity to raise three wonderfully comical, wacky, intelligent, awesome kids. They make me laugh, they make me cry. They make me crazy and yes, occasionally they make me so mad I could knock a couple of pegs out of whatever it is for which you knock out pegs.
BUT- I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
There’s this movie that, for the longest time I just didn’t get. Bob would tell you it’s his favorite because it reminds him of the kids…. I must be missing ‘that chip’ that gives you ‘feelings’ when watching a cartoon movie.
Finding Nemo is about a dad fish looking for his son fish (voiced by Ellen DeGeneres) that got lost somehow…. I don’t really remember the whole thing, just bits and pieces of it… but I get it now…. It’s portrays the real struggles we as parents deal with when ‘letting go’ of our kids. I’m not kidding- it hurts.
We couldn’t possibly warn our kids about EVERYTHING without giving them some kind of complex or worse. I want to believe that we raised our kids to know right from wrong - to hope they listened to our words and will follow our example (well, hopefully not ALL our examples). They may not see the potential dangers we see looking through our fifty huh-huh years…living in the big city, maybe we were too overly protective and maybe THAT is harmful….. I dunno…. I hope not. .but then again- maybe they see things we don’t.
I have stated - ad nauseam - that all I want is for my kids to be happy. THAT is true…but really, my heart is breaking. Watching my baby pack her things and move out of frickin’ state- to frickin’ Colorado (no less), is D-E-V-A-S-T-A-T-I-N-G!
Telling her no, she can’t go isn’t something I could do. She is, after all, an adult…and I would never want to hear the words ‘I HATE YOU’ uttered from the mouth of any of my kids. I remember THAT from that little movie. Ouch- hearing Nemo tell his dad he hated him hurt…it made MY heart hurt - and it was only a movie…and a fish…and fish don’t really talk… ;-)
I guess we have to believe that we can’t prevent everything…we can only hope we prepared our kids for this world- (and frickin’ Colorado)!
I do have faith in Ari that she is every bit the grown up she says she is and we, Bob & I and yes, of course, God have given her the all the tools to become all that she is capable of being.
I NOW ‘get’ what Bob was talking about… I’ll have to re-watch the movie-
after Ari has pulled out of the driveway.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
I have probably more than a dozen of ideas that I started writing- none of which “felt” right. I was forcing emotion and it just didn't feel right…. I don’t know if it’s something others feel, but if it’s not right- it’s not ‘write’ (correct!) for me…I have so much on my mind that I am not at all sure where this is going….so let me preface this by saying – please take this in the spirit intended.
I am so very sad. - -So monumentally- uber sad am I.
Putting things in correct context....
I know people, family even, that have lost a child. Now I can’t say I know what that feels like, I pray to God that I NEVER have to feel that kind of pain. All I can say is I am not trying to compare my sadness to the sadness anyone else may feel when faced with horrific pain.
The only difference is this….
- -this is MY heart ache.
Now, I feel you may be asking- wth is she so sad about? - Well, okay.. I’ll tell you- but remember- you asked (well, in MY mind you asked, otherwise I feel self-absorbed and even more filled with sadness.
Today, I made dinner for my family. It isn’t out of the ordinary for my kids to come around for dinner, what is slightly out of the ordinary (besides the fact that I actually cooked) is they are at dinner at the same time. Well, my husband, Boberts, actually spoke to the kids and planned to have them come for dinner….without me catching on (duh! News flash.. I didn’t catch on).
As we’re eating dinner, it dawned on me - like I was smacked with a brick….. THIS is the last time our family will be together as a family for dinner. It was just the five of us. I KNOW there will be other times when we’ll be together- but this was one of those times when you know there is no going back. Things are different. It’s never the same.
Sunrise- Sunset.- THAT stupid song ALWAYS makes me cry and when it hit me that things will never be the same that friggin’ song came to mind and I just started crying. WTH??
Okay for some of you who may not possess a sensitivity chip, let me just tell you-- don’t judge!
I guess I should tell you why I am so sad…. I forgot that bit if info…
My youngest daughter is moving out…and not just “moving out”- I’ve been through that before with my other two kids. Billy, our son moved out first and has been out for a few years. Meghan moved out about a year or so ago. It hurt, but it was time. They have their own lives and are both with their significant other, Rebekah & Shaun, respectfully. I, btw, adore them. It’s nice to see them so very happy.
They have picked wonderfully generous, kind & loving mates.
Ariana, our youngest baby (no matter how old our kids get, to me(!) they are ALWAYS my babies).
Ari is moving ...
- out of state -
to Colorado… to friggin' COLORADO!
Just writing that brings tears to my eyes.
My heart is broken.
My family has been desert dwellers for generations. We are native Phoenicians through & through. I can’t, in all honesty, say that I never wanted to leave here…but our lives, as they’ve been, have dictated to us to stay…stay in the Valley of the Sun. I never thought my youngest child would be the one to find her way - away from family. Yes, she’s with her boyfriend Jake, and yes, he’s a good guy…but COLORADO?!
I feel silly. I feel silly because as I write this, I am writing through blurred vision as the tears just keep running down my face. I feel the heat of the salty tears burning my cheeks. I KNOW…….. I know that this is her decision. I know she needs to live HER life, not the life I want her to live. Although having said THAT- I do want her - and all my kids - to live happy lives. I just want them here. Is that selfish? Don’t answer that- I know it is.
Ya know how things happen for a reason? WEIRD! Just today, I made reference to a colleague about the song Sunrise, Sunset. Although the reference really was to the beautiful sunrise & the beautiful sunsets here in Arizona……
I don’t remember getting older - - when did they??
♫♫♪♪ Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly fly the years
One season following another
Laden with happiness and tears ♫♫♫♪♪♪
Time does fly… STUPID SONG!!
I’ll be fine.
Saturday we’re having our family over for a going away dinner for Ari…I’ll feign happiness and put on a happy face so my family won’t see the heaviness in my heart. I don’t want Ari to feel badly for moving- IT IS HER LIFE! She needs to find her own North Star. Honestly, I am proud of her. I’m proud of all my kids. I feel Bob & I did something right in that they ARE following their own North Star. What more, as parents can we want for our kids?
It just hurts to let go.
It’ll be an adjustment; I already have SKYPE up and ready to go.
♪♫Wasn't it yesterday
When they were small?♪♫STUPID SONG!