Thursday, April 18, 2013

Sunrise- Sunset- Stupid Song!

I have probably more than a dozen of ideas that I started writing- none of which  “felt” right. I was forcing emotion and it just didn't feel right…. I don’t know if it’s something  others feel, but if it’s not right- it’s not ‘write’ (correct!) for me…I have so much on my mind that I am not at all sure where this is going….so let me preface this by saying – please take this in the spirit intended.

I am so very sad. - -So monumentally- uber sad am I.

Putting things in correct context....

I know people, family even, that have lost a child. Now I can’t say I know what that feels like, I  pray to God that I NEVER have to feel that kind of pain. All I can say is I am not trying to compare my sadness to the sadness anyone else may feel when faced with horrific pain. 
The only difference is this….

 - -this is MY heart ache.

Now, I feel you may be asking- wth is she so sad about? - Well, okay.. I’ll tell you- but remember- you asked (well, in MY mind you asked, otherwise I feel self-absorbed and even more filled with sadness.

Today, I made dinner for my family.  It isn’t out of the ordinary for my kids to come around for dinner, what is slightly out of the ordinary (besides the fact that I actually cooked) is they are at dinner at the same time.  Well, my husband, Boberts, actually spoke to the kids and planned to have them come for dinner….without me catching on (duh! News flash.. I didn’t catch on).

As we’re eating dinner, it dawned on me - like I was smacked with a brick….. THIS is the last time our family will be together as a family for dinner. It was just the five of us.  I KNOW there will be other times when we’ll be together- but this was one of those times when you know there is no going back. Things are different. It’s never the same.  

Sunrise- Sunset.- THAT stupid song ALWAYS makes me cry and when it hit me that things will never be the same that friggin’ song came to mind and I just started crying.  WTH??
Okay for some of you who may not possess a sensitivity chip, let me just tell you-- don’t judge!

I guess I should tell you why I am so sad…. I forgot that bit if info…

My youngest daughter is moving out…and not just “moving out”- I’ve been through that before with my other two kids. Billy, our son moved out first and has been out for a few years. Meghan moved out about a year or so ago. It hurt, but it was time. They have their own lives and are both with their significant other, Rebekah & Shaun, respectfully. I, btw, adore them. It’s nice to see them so very happy.
They have picked wonderfully generous, kind & loving mates.

Ariana, our youngest baby (no matter how old our kids get, to me(!) they are ALWAYS my babies).

Ari is moving ...

 - out of state -  

to Colorado… to friggin' COLORADO!  

Just writing that brings tears to my eyes.

My heart is broken.

My family has been desert dwellers for generations. We are native Phoenicians through & through.  I can’t, in all honesty, say that I never wanted to leave here…but our lives, as they’ve been, have dictated to us to stay…stay in the Valley of the Sun. I never thought my youngest child would be the one to find her way - away from family. Yes, she’s with her boyfriend Jake, and yes, he’s a good guy…but COLORADO?!

I feel silly. I feel silly because as I write this, I am writing through blurred vision as the tears just keep running down my face. I feel the heat of the salty tears burning my cheeks.  I KNOW…….. I know that this is her decision. I know she needs to live HER life, not the life I want her to live. Although having said THAT- I do want her - and all my kids - to live happy lives. I just want them here. Is that selfish? Don’t answer that- I know it is.

Ya know how things happen for a reason? WEIRD! Just today, I made reference to a colleague about the song Sunrise, Sunset.  Although the reference really was to the  beautiful sunrise & the  beautiful sunsets here in Arizona……

Sunrise- Sunset♪♪
I don’t remember getting older - - when did they??
♫♫♪♪ Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly fly the years
One season following another
Laden with happiness and tears ♫♫♫♪♪♪


Time does fly… STUPID SONG!!

I’ll be fine.

Saturday we’re having our family over for a going away dinner for Ari…I’ll feign happiness and put on a happy face so my family won’t see the heaviness in my heart. I don’t want Ari to feel badly for moving-  IT    IS   HER   LIFE!  She needs to find her own North Star. Honestly, I am proud of her. I’m proud of all my kids. I feel Bob & I did something right in that they ARE following their own North Star. What more, as parents can we want for our kids?

It just hurts to let go.
It’ll be an adjustment; I already have SKYPE up and ready to go.

♪♫Wasn't it yesterday
When they were small?